Lời Bài Hát
Du Jiao Xi (Xu Ru Yun)
Shi shei dao yan zhe chang xi Zai zhe gu dan jiao se li
Dui bai zong shi zi yan zi yu Dui shou dou shi hui yi
Kan bu chu she me jie ju
Zi shi zhi zhong quan shi ni Rang wo tou ru tai che di
Gu shi ru guo zhu ding bei ju He ku gei wo mei li
Yan chu xiang ju de bie li
Mei you xing xing de ye li Wo yong lei guang xi yin ni
Ji ran ai ni bu neng yan yu Zhi neng wei xiao ku qi
Rang wo cong ci wang le ni
Mei you xing xing de ye li Wo ba wang shi liu gei ni
Ru guo yi qie dou shi yan xi Yao ni hao hao kan xi
Xin sui zhi shi wo zi ji
-----------------------------------------
獨角戲 (許茹芸)
是誰導演這場戲 在這孤單交色裡
對白總是自言自語 對手都是回憶
看不出什麼結局
自始至終全是你 讓我投入太徹底
故事如果注定悲劇 何苦給我美麗
演出相聚和別離
没有星星的夜裡 我用淚光吸引你
既然愛你不能言語 只能微笑哭泣
讓我從此忘了你
没有星星的夜裡 我把往事留給你
如果一切只是演戲 要你好好看戲
心碎只是我自己
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Lời Dịch Từ Tiếng Trung Sang Tiếng Anh
Single Person Play (Valen Hsu)
Who is directing this play?
For this lonely character
The dialogue is always talking to oneself
The opponent is recollection
Unable to see the final result
From beginning to end, it`s all you
Letting what I put in be too thorough
If this story is doomed to be a tragedy
There is no earthly reason to give me beauty
Performing the coming together and parting
In a night without stars
I use my tears to attract you
Now that I can no longer say I love you
I can only laugh and cry
Let myself forget you from now on
In a night without stars
I`ll leave the past behind with you
If all of this has been a play
I want you to watch this play well
The only brokenhearted one is me
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Karaoke Chinatown: Valen Hsu - Du Jiao Xi
How He Left the Hotel
"Stop by the Empire Hotel, Mole," he told me when I was discharged. "I know some people there. Perhaps I can get you a job."
New York was exciting. I decided to take my captain's advice and stopped by the Empire Hotel. It was an elegant red brick building with a fancy lobby.
"Welcome," said the friendly doorman. He was dressed in a uniform with polished brass buttons and a stylish cap.
"My name's Joe," he said with a grin. I shook his hand and then introduced myself. Joe introduced me to the hotel manager.
"I spoke with your captain," the manager said. "I'd like to offer you a job. We need someone to operate the hotel elevator from two o'clock in the afternoon until twelve midnight. We'll provide wages and a room."
Like everything at the Empire Hotel, the elevator was modern and fancy. It had a decorative light inside and mirrors on the walls. It even had velvet cushions where visitors could rest during their ride.
One November, a new tenant arrived at the Empire Hotel. His name was Colonel Saxby. Colonel Saxby was also a Civil War veteran. I knew right away because he often wore his military cloak.
Colonel Saxby moved into room 210. It was on the fourth floor. Room 210 was right across from the elevator. I saw his door every time I stopped on the fourth floor.
Colonel Saxby was a kindly gentleman who kept to himself. I figured he was in his fifties. He was tall and thin, with a gray mustache and a pointy nose. His skin was pale. He had a reddish scar on one cheek. He also walked with a very slight limp.
"I took a bullet in the knee," he explained to me one day.
Sometimes, in the elevator, the colonel and I would talk a bit about the war. Even though he would talk to me, I wouldn't say he was overly friendly. That did not bother me, though.
Since I worked the elevator, I came to know everyone's routine. Colonel Saxby was especially predictable. He rode the elevator up to the fourth floor at the same time each day. He never rode it down, though. I figured he must have used the stairs.
I was proud to tell people I worked at the Empire Hotel. It was one of New York's finest.
Sometimes operating the elevator grew dull, but I really enjoyed all the people.
I became good friends with a few of the other workers. Joe, the doorman, worked the same shift as I did. When it was slow in the evening, we would often talk. He told me all about his brothers in Boston. I told him about my sister in Connecticut. A lot of times we talked about the war.
Every night at midnight, I always locked the elevator. Joe generally tidied up the lobby a bit. Then, on Wednesdays, we headed to the community room for a game of cards. Helen, one of the hotel housekeepers, often joined us.
Helen was cheerful and talkative. She always kept things lively. Best of all, she generally brought us something good to eat. Her homemade soup and meat loaf sandwiches were mighty welcome after a long day.
"This is delicious," I told Helen one cold February night. She had baked an apple pie. I dare say it was the best I ever tasted.
Joe pushed his empty plate aside and thanked Helen for the meal. Then, as usual, he began shuffling his well-worn deck of cards. The three of us played until the wee hours of the morning.
The next day, I found myself watching the front door, waiting for Colonel Saxby to arrive. The colonel always rode the elevator up at three o'clock each day. In fact, I could not recall a single day when he had not been on time.
I guess there is a first time for everything, though. Colonel Saxby never did show up that day. He did not show up the next day either.
"Have you seen Colonel Saxby lately?" I finally asked Joe.
"No, Mole. I can't say that I have," he replied. "I'm told he's very ill."
At the end of my shift that night, I had just started to lock up the elevator when the call bell rang on the fourth floor. I figured it must be a visitor who did not realize the elevator stopped running at midnight.
As the clock struck twelve, I rode to the fourth floor. When I opened the elevator door, I was very surprised to see Colonel Saxby. His military cape was draped over his shoulders. I noticed his skin was even paler than usual. The man looked ill. I was really concerned about him. I wondered why he was venturing out so late at night.
"I'm glad to see you're better, sir," I said. But Colonel Saxby just looked at me with a hollow stare. Then he boarded the elevator. It was the first time I had ever given him a ride down.
When the elevator stopped in the lobby, I opened the door. Colonel Saxby, who had stood perfectly still during the ride, departed without a word.
Joe opened the door. Then Colonel Saxby walked out into the snow.
Just then, the doorbell rang. Joe opened the door. A gentleman with a black bag entered. I could tell at once he was a doctor.
"Fourth floor," he said hastily.
"I'm sorry, but the elevator stops running at midnight," I explained.
"This is a matter of life and death," said the doctor.
I did as he requested. The doctor rushed straight to room 210.
"Oh, dear," I heard the doctor sigh. "I'm afraid I'm too late. Colonel Saxby has passed away."
The doctor covered Colonel Saxby's face with his sheet.
"That can't be," I said. "I took the colonel down in the elevator just a few minutes ago. Joe saw him, too. Colonel Saxby just left the hotel."
"It must have been someone else," the doctor said.
The manager asked me to take Colonel Saxby's body down in the elevator.
"I can't do that, sir," I said. "I can't take the colonel down again."
I knew I couldn't stay at the Empire Hotel any longer -- not after what I'd seen. I turned in my keys and left that night. Joe, the doorman, left with me.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Weather Predictions
A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."
The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
"Much snow. Very cold."
Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.
The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "I dunno. Radio broken."
A Love Story
"Oh, I really love her. I adore her," said the handsome gentleman.
"I would love her too, if she were mine." agreed his friend.
"I love the way she walks, and the way she moves, and her eyes are a beautiful brown color."
"You're very lucky," said his friend.
"And do you know what I like the best?" asked the gentleman. "I love the way she kisses my ear."
"Sir," the hostess said, "I couldn't help listening to your lovely words.
In this day of divorce, I respect a man who loves his wife so much!"
"My wife?!" said the gentleman, very surprised. "I was talking about my champion racehorse!
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Sender: Ho Xuan Trieu
Why he can
years!"
KISS-a-me
drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
The sign
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
Sender: Sofia_pham<dphan001@san.rr.com>
After the Office Party
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."
"He's an a**hole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
A naughty boy
One day, an old gentlement was walking along a street. He saw a little boy near the door of a house. The boy was standing at the door and trying to reach the door-bell which was too high for him. The old gentlement was a kind-hearted man so he stopped to help the boy. "I will ring the bell for you," he said and pulled the bell so hard that its ringing could be heard all over the house. The little boy looked up at him and said laughing: "Now we must run away. Come on."
Before the old gentlement knew what was happening the naughty boy had disappeared round the corner of the street. The old man had to explain to the angry owner of the house why he had rung the bell.
Sender: Pham Thuy Linh
Email: thuylinh@vol.vnn.vn
Another guess
Dave and Mabel became parents and Dave met Herb Wilson in town.
"Gee! Mabel and me have got a baby, I bet you can't guess what it is."
"A boy?" says Herb.
"No," says Dave, "have another guess."
Morden love
- Darling, we have known each other for a year. Today, I have a special request...
- What is it, darling?
- Please, let me know your name?
A short conversation
- Man:Yes, I did. The driver of that car hit that post overthere.
- Policeman:What happened?
- Man: A dog ran across the road and the driver tried to avoid it. The car suddenly came towards me. It climbed on to the pavement and crashed into that post.
- Policeman: What did you do that? Were you afraid of the car?
- Man: I wasn't afraid of the car. I was afraid of the driver. The driver got out of the car and began shouting at me. He was very angry with me. You see, it was my dog.
THE LAWYER
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
Long Happy Life
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Money charged
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark - $1
Knowing where to put it - $49,999
To Home With Love
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ Iwould love to hear
from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are
eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget
that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Mother-in-law
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized her laugh!"
My Sister Is In The Army
herself as a man and was able to join the army.
"But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to dress
with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged, "But who'll tell?"
Kids Say The Cutest Things
I'm Going To Be A Builder When I Grow Up
Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.
He was bugging Mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something."
Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.
Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put theMother fucker back up."
Jimmy's Mother said, "you wait till your Dad comes home." WhenJimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch."
Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job."
Little Tommy's Dead Frog
One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (FX: thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this."
Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a ?0 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, third door on the right" comes the reply as the ?0 vanishes.
Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries."No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another ?0 appears. "Ah, last door on the left..." he is told.
Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string(thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (avec frog) when she calls him back.
"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"
"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the baby sitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes andHE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"
Old Enough To Start Cussing
Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think I'm old enough to start cussing."
Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"
Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."
Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass',Dad says that all the time.
They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?"
He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."
Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one,"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"
Subject of Spelling
In a train carriage one day were two small boys and a middle aged woman reading a book. The two small boys were having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling.
"Its spelt ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B '"
"No its not. It's spelt ' W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'"
The lady leans over and says "Excuse me, but I think you'll find its spelt'W-O-M-B'"
First little boy replies " Nah, I bet you've never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart underwater !"
Trick or Treat
There were these two children of color trying to decide what to get dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest one,Robert, turned to his sister Francine and said, "I know, we'll go as Hansel and Gretel."
Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. They came to a house on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell.
"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison.
The old man at the door peered down at them and said. "And who are you?"
"Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said.
The man shook his head."You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were white." And then he slammed the door on their faces.
Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go asLittle Boy Blue."
So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as earlier.
"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened.
Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might you be." "Why we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said. The man shook his head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep and LittleBoy Blue. They were white." And he slammed the door on their faces.
Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags empty. But Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helpedFrancine out of hers.
When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were two naked black children standing on his porch.
"Well, what do we have here," he asked.
"Two M&Ms," Robert said. "One with nuts and one without."
Clairvoyant Little Boy
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God blessMommy, goodbye Daddy."
His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,"Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully.
He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."
Lawyer's Hospital
What can a duck do that a goose can't and a Lawyer should?Stick his bill up his ass.
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a...
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later,the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COWin the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn,as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
A Blind Bunny and...
A blind bunny rabbit and a blind snake were born into this world. Fate being what it was, the two crossed paths one day in a vegetable garden.
"You know, all my life, I've wondered what I was", said the snake. "I don't know since I can't see anything."
"I've wondered the same thing", said the rabbit. "Maybe together we can figure out who we are."
"Ok", said the snake. So he curled up around the bunny rabbit and began to sniff and prod and stroke the bunny.
"Hmmm, you're small, and soft, and warm and furry", said the snake, "and you have big ears and a bushy tail." The snake thought for a moment. "I know, you must be a rabbit!"
"Oh thank you thank you!" said the bunny, "Now let me help you." So the bunny rabbit started sniffing at the snake, pausing to stroke him with his paws. "Well let's see. You're long and cold and slimy and have a forked tongue. You have scales.... I know, you must be a lawyer!"
Like Father Like Son
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
Go away!
The Lucky Saucer
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a very rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered 20 dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and probably half wild, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to 100 dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed money on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 15 cats."
LOVE IS IN THE AIR
Love is in the air
Everywhere I look around
Love is in the air
Every sight and every sound
And I don't know if I'm being foolish
Don't know if I'm being wise
But it's something that I must believe in
And it's there when I look in your eyes
Love is in the air
In the whisper of the trees
Love is in the air
In the thunder of the sea
And I don't know if I'm just dreaming
Don't know if I feel sane
But it's something that I must believe in
And it's there when you call out my name
(Chorus)
Love is in the air
Love is in the air
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Love is in the air
In the rising of the sun
Love is in the air
When the day is nearly done
And I don't know if you're an illusion
Don't know if I see it true
But you're something that I must believe in
And you're there when I reach out for you
Love is in the air
Every sight and every sound
And I don't know if I'm being foolish
Don't know if I'm being wise
But it's something that I must believe in
And it's there when I look in your eyes
(Repeat Chorus 4X)
Who is who??
Chess player
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
I will take a risk
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Hm, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
Animal Kiss - I love you!
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
ALLIGATORS IN THE POOL
The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.
The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!"
Best Known Man In The World
Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!
Their sons
"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
I know this lawyers
She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"
Radio conversation
- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
- This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Weight Loss Plan
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
MONEY
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
(Thanks Jesicca)
ATM
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
(Thanks Bernie)
Smart student
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
Zoo Job
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Run
However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute. A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !
Blogger Terms of Service
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- Google Terms of Service - Google's general terms and conditions (http://www.google.com/terms_of_service.html)
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Although we may attempt to notify you when major changes are made to these Blogger Terms of Service, you should periodically review the most up-to-date version (http://www.blogger.com/terms.g). Google may, in its sole discretion, modify or revise these Terms of Service and policies at any time, and you agree to be bound by such modifications or revisions. If you do not accept and abide by this Agreement, you may not use the Blogger service. In the event of an inconsistency between the Blogger Terms of Service and either Google's general Terms of Service (http://www.google.com/intl/en/terms_of_service.html) or the Google Privacy Policy (http://www.google.com/privacy.html), the Blogger Terms of Service (http://www.blogger.com/terms.g) shall control. Nothing in this Agreement shall be deemed to confer any third-party rights or benefits.
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Điều khoản Dịch vụ của Blogger
Điều khoản Dịch vụ Google - Các điều khoản và điều kiện chung của Google (http://www.google.com/terms_of_service.html)
Chính sách Bảo mật của Google - Cách chúng tôi duy trì và bảo vệ thông tin cá nhân của bạn trong Blogger (http://www.google.com/privacy.html)
Chính sách Nội dung Blogger -Chúng tôi khuyến khích tự do biểu hiện và công bố có trách nhiệm như thế nào (http://www.blogger.com/content.g)
Mặc dù chúng tôi có thể cố gắng thông báo cho bạn khi có những thay đổi lớn về các Điều khoản Dịch vụ Blogger này, bạn vẫn nên xem lại theo định kỳ phiên bản cập nhật mới nhất (http://www.blogger.com/terms.g). Theo quyết định của riêng mình, Google có thể điều chỉnh hoặc sửa đổi các Điều khoản Dịch vụ này và các chính sách bất cứ lúc nào, và bạn đồng ý chịu ràng buộc với những điều chỉnh hoặc sửa đổi này. Nếu bạn không chấp nhận và tuân theo Hợp đồng này, bạn không được sử dụng dịch vụ Blogger. Trong trường hợp không thống nhất giữa các Điều khoản Dịch vụ Blogger và các Điều khoản Dịch vụ chung của Google (http://www.google.com/intl/en/terms_of_service.html) hoặc Chính sách Bảo mật của Google (http://www.google.com/privacy.html), các Điều khoản Dịch vụ Blogger (http://www.blogger.com/terms.g) sẽ kiểm soát. Không nội dung nào trong Hợp đồng này được coi là mang lại bất kỳ quyền hay lợi ích bên thứ ba nào.
1. Mô tả Dịch vụ. Blogger là một dịch vụ xuất bản web và dịch vụ lưu trữ tùy chọn ("Dịch vụ"). Bạn phải chịu trách nhiệm đối với tất cả các hoạt động xuất hiện dưới tên người dùng của bạn và giữ bí mật mật khẩu của bạn. Bạn hiểu và đồng ý rằng Dịch vụ được cung cấp cho bạn trên cơ sở NGUYÊN GỐC và KHẢ DỤNG. Google từ chối mọi trách nhiệm và nghĩa vụ về tính khả dụng, thời gian, tính bảo mật hay tính ổn định của Dịch vụ hay bất kỳ phần mềm khách nào khác. Google cũng có quyền sửa đổi, treo hoặc ngừng dịch vụ, có hoặc không có thông báo vào bất kỳ lúc nào mà không có nghĩa vụ gì đối với bạn.
Để sử dụng Dịch vụ bạn phải ít nhất mười ba (13) tuổi. Google có quyền từ chối dịch vụ đối với bất cứ ai vào bất cứ thời điểm nào vì bất cứ lý do gì.
2. Sử dụng đúng. Bạn đồng ý rằng bạn chịu trách nhiệm về việc sử dụng Dịch vụ của mình, về bất kỳ bài đăng nào, và về bất kỳ hậu quả nào của các bài đăng đó. Bạn đồng ý rằng bạn sẽ sử dụng Dịch vụ tuân theo các luật, quy tắc và các quy định của địa phương, tiểu bang, quốc gia, và quốc tế, bao gồm bất kỳ luật nào liên quan đến việc truyền dữ liệu kỹ thuật được xuất từ quốc gia nơi bạn đang sinh sống và tất cả các luật kiểm soát việc xuất của Hoa Kỳ.
Bạn đồng ý tuân thủ Chính sách Nội dung của Blogger (http://www.blogger.com/content.g) và các qui định và hạn chế trong đó. Mặc dù chúng tôi có thể tìm cách thông báo với bạn khi có thay đổi đối với Chính sách Nội dung của Blogger, bạn nên thường xuyên xem phiên bản cập nhật nhất. Google có thể, theo ý mình, sửa đổi hoặc thay đổi Chính sách Nội dung của Blogger bất cứ lúc nào, và bạn đồng ý tuân thủ những thay đổi hoặc sửa đổi này.
Vi phạm bất kỳ điều nào trong số những điều đã đề cập ở trên, bao gồm Chính sách Nội dung Blogger (http://www.blogger.com/content.g), chúng tôi có thể chấm dứt ngay Hợp đồng này, và chúng tôi có thể bắt bạn phải chịu các mức phạt của tiểu bang và liên bang và các hậu quả pháp lý khác. Google bảo lưu quyền, nhưng sẽ không bắt buộc, điều tra việc sử dụng Dịch vụ của bạn nhằm (a) xác định xem việc vi phạm Hợp đồng đã xảy ra hay chưa (b) tuân thủ bất kỳ luật áp dụng, quy định, quy trình pháp lý hoặc yêu cầu chính phủ nào.
Rất nhiều nội dung của Blogger.com và Blogspot.com ---bao gồm nội dung của các bài đăng cụ thể -- được cung cấp bởi và là trách nhiệm của người hoặc những người tạo ra các bài đăng này. Google không kiểm soát nội dung của Blogger.com và Blogspot.com, và không chịu trách nhiệm về các nội dung đó. Thay vì đó, Google chỉ cung cấp cho bạn quyền truy cập vào nội dung này như một dịch vụ.
Một cách rất tự nhiên, Blogger.com và Blogspot.com có thể chứa các tài liệu công kích, có hại, không đúng hoặc nói cách khác là không phù hợp, hoặc trong một số trường hợp, các bài đăng đã bị gắn nhãn sai hoặc nói cách khác là đánh lừa. Chúng tôi hi vọng rằng bạn sẽ sử dụng một cách thận trọng và kinh nghiệm và đánh giá đúng đắn khi sử dụng Blogger.com và Blogspot.com.
Google không xác nhận, hỗ trợ, giới thiệu hay đảm bảo tính chân thực, tính chính xác hay độ tin cậy của bất kỳ giao tiếp nào được đăng thông qua Dịch vụ hay xác nhận bất kỳ ý kiến nào được thể hiện qua Dịch vụ. Bạn cần hiểu rằng bạn sẽ phải chấp nhận rủi ro khi tin cậy tài liệu được đăng qua Dịch vụ.
3. Bảo mật. Như là một điều kiện để sử dụng Dịch vụ, bạn đồng ý với các điều khoản của Chính sách Bảo mật của Google (http://www.google.com/privacy.html), chính sách này đôi khi có thể được cập nhật, như được nêu trong phiên bản gần đây nhất tồn tại vào thời điểm sử dụng của bạn. Bạn đồng ý rằng Google có thể truy cập hoặc bộc lộ thông tin cá nhân của bạn, bao gồm nội dung của các giao tiếp của bạn, nếu Google buộc phải làm như vậy để tuân thủ bất kỳ thủ tục pháp lý hợp lệ nào hoặc theo yêu cầu của chính phủ (chẳng hạn như lệnh khám xét, trát đòi hầu tòa, đạo luật, hoặc lệnh của tòa), hoặc những trường hợp khác được cung cấp trong Điều khoản Dịch vụ này và Chính sách Bảo mật của Google nói chung. Thông tin cá nhân được thu thập bởi Google có thể được lưu trữ và xử lý tại Mỹ hoặc bất kỳ quốc gia nào khác mà Google Inc. hoặc các địa lý của Google có cơ sở tại đó. Bởi sử dụng Dịch vụ, bạn đồng ý với mọi việc chuyển thông tin như vậy ra khỏi quốc gia của bạn.
4. Nguyên tắc chung về Sử dụng và Lưu trữ. Bạn đồng ý rằng Google không có trách nhiệm hay nghĩa vụ về việc xoá, hoặc không lưu trữ hay chuyển, bất kỳ Nội dung nào và các giao tiếp khác được duy trì bởi Dịch vụ. Google có quyền tạo những giới hạn về việc sử dụng và lưu trữ theo nguyên tắc riêng của Google bất kỳ lúc nào, có hoặc không có thông báo trước.
5. Nội dung Dịch vụ. Google không chịu trách nhiệm nội dung bên thứ ba (bao gồm, không giới hạn, vi rút hoặc các tính năng vô hiệu), Google cũng không có nghĩa vụ kiểm soát nội dung bên thứ ba đó. Google vào mọi lúc đều có quyền xóa hoặc từ chối đăng bất kỳ nội dung nào trên Dịch vụ, chẳng hạn như các nội dung vi phạm các điều khoản của Hợp đồng này. Google cũng có quyền truy cập, đọc, lưu giữ, và tiết lộ bất kỳ thông tin nào mà Google tin là cần thiết để (a) tuân thủ luật áp dụng, quy định, quy trình hợp pháp hoặc yêu cầu của chính phủ, (b) thi hành Hợp đồng này, bao gồm việc điều tra những vi phạm về Hợp đồng có thể xảy ra(c) phát hiện, ngăn chặn nếu không có thể xảy ra gian lận địa chỉ, hoặc các vấn đề về an ninh hay kỹ thuật (d) phản hồi yêu cầu hỗ trợ người dùng, hoặc (e) bảo vệ quyền, tài sản hay sự an toàn của Google, người dùng và công chúng. Google sẽ không chịu trách nhiệm hoặc chịu trách nhiệm pháp lý về việc thi hành hoặc không thi hành các quyền thuộc Hợp đồng này.
6. Quyền Sở hữu Trí tuệ. Các Quyền Sở hữu Trí tuệ của Google. Bạn công nhận rằng Google sở hữu tất cả các quyền, danh nghĩa và lợi ích trong và với Dịch vụ, bao gồm tất cả các quyền sở hữu trí tuệ ("Các Quyền của Google"). Các Quyền của Google được bảo hộ bởi luật sở hữu trí tuệ của Mỹ và quốc tế. Do vậy, bạn đồng ý rằng bạn sẽ không sao chép, nhân bản, thay thế, sửa đổi, hay tạo các tác phẩm bắt nguồn từ Dịch vụ. Bạn cũng đồng ý rằng bạn sẽ không sử dụng bất kỳ robot, nhện, bất kỳ thiết bị tự động nào khác, hay bất kỳ quá trình thủ công nào để theo dõi hay sao chép bất kỳ nội dung nào trong Dịch vụ. Như được mô tả ngay dưới đây, Các Quyền của Google không bao gồm nội dung của bên thứ ba được sử dụng trong Dịch vụ, bao gồm nội dung trong thư từ giao dịch xuất hiện trên Dịch vụ.
Quyền Sở hữu Trí tuệ của Bạn. Google không khẳng định bất cứ quyền sở hữu hay kiểm soát đối với bất kỳ Nội dung nào được gửi, đăng hãy hiển thị bởi bạn trên hoặc thông qua các dịch vụ của Google. Bạn hoặc bên cấp phép thứ ba, nếu có, nắm giữ mọi sáng chế, nhãn hiệu và bản quyền liên quan đến mọi Nội dung bạn gửi, đăng hoặc hiển thị trên hoặc thông qua các dịch vụ của Google và bạn chịu trách nhiệm bảo vệ các quyền này, nếu có. Khi gửi, đăng hoặc hiển thị Nội dung trên hoặc thông qua các dịch vụ của Google nhằm để Nội dung này khả dụng cho các thành viên của công chúng, có nghĩa là bạn đã cấp cho Google một cấp phép có hiệu lực trên toàn cầu, không độc quyền, không phải trả tiền thù lao, để sao chép, công bố và phân phối Nội dung này trên các dịch vụ của Google cho mục đích hiển thị và phân phối các dịch vụ của Google. Ngoài ra, Google có quyền từ chối chấp nhận, đăng, hiển thị hoặc chuyển mọi Nội dung theo ý riêng của Google.
Bạn đại diện và đảm bảo rằng bạn có tất cả quyền, sức mạnh và thẩm quyền cần thiết để cấp quyền ở đây cho bất kỳ Nội dung nào được gửi.
Bạn có thể chọn gửi, đăng bài, và hiển thị bất kỳ tài liệu nào trên hoặc thông qua dịch vụ Blogger hoặc Blogspot.com theo giấy phép công cộng (vd: giấy phép Chung Sáng tạo ), dù đánh dấu bằng tay tài liệu hoặc sử dụng công cụ dịch vụ Blogger để làm. Để tránh hiểu lầm, Google không tham gia vào giấy phép công cộng giữa bạn và bên thứ ba. Cũng để tránh hiểu lầm, Google có thể thực hiện những quyền được cấp theo (a) giấy phép công cộng hoặc giấy phép, nếu có, bạn áp dụng vào tài liệu của bạn hoặc (b) Hợp đồng này.
7. Không Bán lại Dịch vụ. Trừ khi được Google uỷ quyền rõ ràng bằng văn bản, bạn chấp thuận không sao chép, mô phỏng, sao, bán, kinh doanh, bán lại hoặc khai thác vì bất kỳ mục đích thương mại nào (a) tất cả các phần của Dịch vụ, (b) việc sử dụng Dịch vụ, hoặc (c) truy cập Dịch vụ.
8. Công bố. Bất kỳ việc sử dụng tên thương mại, nhãn hiệu, nhãn hiệu dịch vụ, biểu tượng, tên miền, và các đặc điểm nhãn phân biệt khác của Google ("Các đặc điểm Nhãn"), bao gồm "Blogger," "Blogger.com," "Blogspot," và "Blogspot.com," đều phải tuân theo Hợp đồng này và tuân theo hướng dẫn sử dụng các Đặc điểm Nhãn hiện tại của Google, và bất kỳ nội dung nào có trong hoặc được nhắc đến trong đó, có thể tìm thấy tại URL sau: http://www.google.com/permissions/guidelines.html (hoặc URL khác mà Google có thể cung cấp).
9. Đại diện và Bảo đảm. Bạn đại diện và đảm bảo rằng (a) tất cả các thông tin bạn cung cấp cho Google để tham gia vào Dịch vụ là chính xác và cập nhật; và (b) bạn có tất cả các quyền, khả năng và thẩm quyền cần thiết để tham gia vào Hợp đồng này và thực hiện các hành động được yêu cầu dưới đây.
10. Chấm dứt dịch vụ; Treo. Google, theo ý riêng của mình, vào bất cứ lúc nào và vì bất cứ lý do gì, có thể chấm dứt Dịch vụ, chấm dứt Hợp đồng này, hoặc treo hay chấm dứt tài khoản của bạn. Trong trường hợp chấm dứt, tài khoản của bạn sẽ bị vô hiệu và bạn sẽ không được cấp quyền truy cập vào tài khoản của bạn, bất kỳ tệp hay nội dung nào khác trong tài khoản của bạn mặc dù các bản sao dư của thông tin có thể vẫn còn trong hệ thống của chúng tôi trong một khoảng thời gian nào đó cho mục đích sao lưu. Các mục 2, 3, 5 - 8, và 10 - 15 của Hợp đồng, cùng với các điều khoản hiện hành của Điều khoản Dịch vụ chung (bao gồm mục về giới hạn trách nhiệm), sẽ vẫn còn hiệu lực trong trường hợp hết hạn hoặc chấm dứt.
11. Tiền bồi thường. Bạn đồng ý giữ vô hại và đảm bảo cho Google, và các công ty con, chi nhánh, nhân viên, đại lý, từ và chống lại mọi khiếu nại của bên thứ ba phát sinh từ hoặc theo bất kỳ cách nào liên quan đến việc sử dụng Dịch vụ của bạn, bao gồm mọi trách nhiệm hoặc chi phí phát sinh từ tất cả các khiếu nại, tổn thất, thiệt hại (thực tế và do hậu quả), các vụ kiện, phán quyết, chi phí tranh tụng và chi phí cho luật sư, thuộc bất kỳ loại và bản chất nào. Trong trường hợp như vậy, Google sẽ cung cấp cho bạn thông báo bằng văn bản về kiếu nại, vụ kiện hoặc hành động này.
12. Hợp đồng hoàn chỉnh. Hợp đồng này tạo thành một hợp đồng hoàn chỉnh giữa bạn và Google và kiểm soát việc sử dụng Dịch vụ của bạn, thay cho bất kỳ hợp đồng nào trước đây giữa bạn và Google. Bạn cũng có thể chịu sự điều chỉnh của các điều khoản và điều kiện bổ sung áp dụng khi bạn sử dụng hoặc mua một số dịch vụ Google khác, dịch vụ nhận làm hội viên, nội dung của bên thứ ba hoặc phần mềm của bên thứ ba.
13. Sự từ bỏ và Tính khắt khe của các Điều khoản. Việc Google không sử dụng hoặc đem thi hành một quyền hoặc quy định bất kỳ trong Điều khoản Dịch vụ sẽ không phải là sự từ bỏ quyền hoặc quy định đó. Nếu một quy định bất kỳ trong Điều khoản Dịch vụ được phát hiện là không hợp lệ bởi một toà án hành pháp có thẩm quyền, các bên vẫn phải đồng ý rằng toà án nên cố gắng tác động đến mục đích của các bên như được phản ánh trong quy định, và các quy định khác trong Điều khoản Dịch vụ giữ nguyên toàn bộ ảnh hưởng và hiệu lực.
14. Quy chế Giới hạn. Bạn đồng ý rằng cho dù bất kỳ quy chế hoặc luật trái ngược nào, bất kỳ yêu cầu hoặc nguyên nhân gây ra hành động phát sinh từ hoặc liên quan đến việc sử dụng các dịch vụ của Google hoặc Các Điều Khoản Dịch vụ phải được gửi trong vòng (1) năm sau khi yêu cầu hoặc nguyên nhân gây ra hành động phát sinh này hoặc sẽ bị chặn vĩnh viễn.
15. Lựa chọn Luật, Quyền hạn, Diễn đàn. Những Điều Khoản Dịch vụ này sẽ được kiểm soát và được hiểu theo luật của Tiểu Bang California, mà không ảnh hưởng đến mâu thuẫn của các quy định luật hay tiểu bang thực tế của bạn hoặc quốc gia bạn đang sinh sống. Bất kỳ khiếu nại, tố tụng hay tranh chấp pháp lý nào nảy sinh có liên quan tới Dịch vụ sẽ chỉ được đưa ra ở Hạt Santa Clara, California, và bạn đồng ý với quyền hạn của các tòa án đó.
16. Thông tin Bản quyền. Chính sách của chúng tôi là phản hồi tất cả các thông báo được cho là xâm phạm theo Luật Bản quyền Thiên niên kỷ Kỹ thuật số. Nếu bạn tin rằng bản quyền của bạn đã bị xâm phạm trên Dịch vụ, hãy xem http://www.google.com/blogger_dmca.html để biết thông tin về cách gửi hoặc phản hồi một thông báo xâm phạm.
