We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Showing posts with label Funny Stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Stories. Show all posts
Sunday, May 4, 2008
T-shirts are always a problem in the military ...
The following directive was issued by the Commanding Officer of a naval installation in the Mid-East and was obliviously directed at the Marines.
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
"Eat Pork or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]
"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]
"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]
"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]
"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]
"Pork. The other white meat." [Arabic version]
"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."
"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
"Eat Pork or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]
"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]
"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]
"The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]
"Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]
"Pork. The other white meat." [Arabic version]
"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."
"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.
Top honors for "Human Projectile of the Month" go to an as-of-yet unidentified person ...
... who is also a serious contender for the annual "Darwin Award". That prestigious prize is given posthumously to the person who does the human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most extraordinarily stupid fashion.
Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got on to this gallant if not brainless form of ballistic research after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway.
The more officers found, the stranger the case got. Here is what they "pieced" together:
JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve "Jet Assisted Take Off", typically lifting big transport planes into the air from short, rough ground runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers.
They were not, repeat NOT, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. But it is guessed that -- let's call him "Zippy" ---- didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride.
He apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely piece of straight highway in good repair. Not guessing that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the track, a gentle rise on a sloping turn. He kicked the tire, lit the fire, ran his Chev up to top cruising speed, and hit the ignition. Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt.
The pocket calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the Chevy to "well in excess of 350 miles per hour" and continued at "full burn" for another 20 to 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at roughly 2.5 miles down the road, the Human Hydro Shock stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four skins to liquefied trails on the pavement.
Remember that little rise on the turn? That's where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt and went for airborne honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated. We'll never know how far or how high he might have gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in his way, posing a serious reaffirmation of the law of physics vis-a-vis two chunks of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time. He gave it hell though, blasting a 6-foot crater. The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make and model year. As for Zippy, only trace evidence of bone, teeth, and hair were found in the crater.
Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got on to this gallant if not brainless form of ballistic research after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway.
The more officers found, the stranger the case got. Here is what they "pieced" together:
JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve "Jet Assisted Take Off", typically lifting big transport planes into the air from short, rough ground runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers.
They were not, repeat NOT, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. But it is guessed that -- let's call him "Zippy" ---- didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride.
He apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely piece of straight highway in good repair. Not guessing that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the track, a gentle rise on a sloping turn. He kicked the tire, lit the fire, ran his Chev up to top cruising speed, and hit the ignition. Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt.
The pocket calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the Chevy to "well in excess of 350 miles per hour" and continued at "full burn" for another 20 to 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at roughly 2.5 miles down the road, the Human Hydro Shock stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four skins to liquefied trails on the pavement.
Remember that little rise on the turn? That's where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt and went for airborne honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated. We'll never know how far or how high he might have gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in his way, posing a serious reaffirmation of the law of physics vis-a-vis two chunks of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time. He gave it hell though, blasting a 6-foot crater. The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make and model year. As for Zippy, only trace evidence of bone, teeth, and hair were found in the crater.
When I was growing up in the country a local character was known to all and sundry as 'skinflint'
It was said he would rob mousetraps for the fur they contained, and he was about as popular as a wicker seat in a nudist colony. He hated any kind of work, but lived on various shady deals he made with anyone silly enough to talk to him. He wasn't all that bright, but his skin was as thick as rhinoceros hide. He was also enormously fat, and rumor had it that his wife had expired from lack of sunshine.
One time he sprained his ankle - possibly from falling off his wallet - so he drove to the doctor's house and called for him to come out and examine him. The medico reluctantly went to the car and, after looking at the ankle, said, "It's a slight sprain, that's all. Bathe it in hot water and rest. That's all you can do." Knowing his patient's reputation he added, "That'll be ten dollars, thanks."
"What for?" demanded skinflint.
"My professional advice."
"Nothing doing." Putting the car in gear he said, "I've decided not to take it."
One time he sprained his ankle - possibly from falling off his wallet - so he drove to the doctor's house and called for him to come out and examine him. The medico reluctantly went to the car and, after looking at the ankle, said, "It's a slight sprain, that's all. Bathe it in hot water and rest. That's all you can do." Knowing his patient's reputation he added, "That'll be ten dollars, thanks."
"What for?" demanded skinflint.
"My professional advice."
"Nothing doing." Putting the car in gear he said, "I've decided not to take it."
The conservationist
I was winding up me sundial
When a friend rang up to say
That a meeting was in progress
In the hall across the way.
So I donned me best blue singlet,
Ran the clothes brush through me hair
And strolled grandly to the meeting
Looking suave and debonair.
The wild-eyed speaker on the stage
Stamped and screeched and raved
About our dwindling forest lands,
How the trees must all be saved.
"Take heed, my friends!" he loudly cried,
"For our aim in life must be
To put our shoulders to the wheel
And save each single tree!"
He raged about our heritage -
All those trees we held in trust -
With such frenzied fire and brimstone
That it seemed he's surely bust.
"Now is there one amongst us here,"
He bawled with animation,
"Who truthfully can testify
They've aided conservation?"
Then up spoke Billy Cassidy,
A well-known ego-wrecker -
"I've done me bit. I once shot dead
A RUDDY GREAT WOODPECKER!"
When a friend rang up to say
That a meeting was in progress
In the hall across the way.
So I donned me best blue singlet,
Ran the clothes brush through me hair
And strolled grandly to the meeting
Looking suave and debonair.
The wild-eyed speaker on the stage
Stamped and screeched and raved
About our dwindling forest lands,
How the trees must all be saved.
"Take heed, my friends!" he loudly cried,
"For our aim in life must be
To put our shoulders to the wheel
And save each single tree!"
He raged about our heritage -
All those trees we held in trust -
With such frenzied fire and brimstone
That it seemed he's surely bust.
"Now is there one amongst us here,"
He bawled with animation,
"Who truthfully can testify
They've aided conservation?"
Then up spoke Billy Cassidy,
A well-known ego-wrecker -
"I've done me bit. I once shot dead
A RUDDY GREAT WOODPECKER!"
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments
... that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.
Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.
Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.
"Thank you," he said.
"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.
"Yes."
"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.
In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."
Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.
Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.
"Thank you," he said.
"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.
"Yes."
"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.
In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat ...
in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.
"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..."
But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria.
After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!!!!! As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.
Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond.
"Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!"
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes the black-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.
My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it, guess she didn't have a wise mom like I do. Serves her right, God does take care of those who do bad things!
"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..."
But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to Luby's Cafeteria.
After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!!!!! As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.
Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond.
"Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!"
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the red-gingham thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes the black-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still gasping, strapped securely on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.
My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it, guess she didn't have a wise mom like I do. Serves her right, God does take care of those who do bad things!
I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow
... and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I said that the dog food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
(By now, practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind the woman I was talking to.)
Horrified, she asked if the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had been sitting in the street scratching fleas and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I said that the dog food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
(By now, practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind the woman I was talking to.)
Horrified, she asked if the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had been sitting in the street scratching fleas and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Real 911 calls ...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
... I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -----adequate time to retreat to safety. -----------WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my dad. The reason I'm three hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.
The last few nights HE done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
"'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on, plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.
The last few nights HE done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
"'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.
As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all looked on, plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"
True story from a friend of a friend...
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00) I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank:"...excuse me ....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"
CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank:"...excuse me ....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"
CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
A lady died this past January, and the bank billed her for February and March...
... for their annual service charges her credit card, and then added late fees and interest (!) on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00! A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
20 Ways to Make People Laugh!
1. Push a gumball down the sidewalk with your nose.
2. At your next pep rally, gargle (or belch) your school song.
3. The next time a sporting event gets boring, draw a tiny face on your little finger and let Mr. Pinky give a play-by-play description of the game—in a high-pitched voice, of course.
4. During a conversation with your friends, say, "chirpledeekirpledeedum" in the middle of each sentence.
5. The next time you're at the gym, stand in front of the lightest barbell you can find. Stretch and flex and act like the strongest person in the world. Then lean over and act like the weight is impossible to lift. The more you grunt and groan, the better!
6. Get some friends together and stuff as many grapes as possible behind your upper lip. Now try to carry on a conversation.
7. Stop someone on the street, pull out a map of Greece and ask for directions to the Parthenon. (Caution: This won't work if you're in Greece!)
8. The next time you look through a microscope announce to your lab partner: "Hey, look in here. It looks just like my Uncle Stu!"
9. !sdneirf ruoy ot sdrawkcab klaT
10. Wear goofy headbands and when people look at you funny, say loudly, "What? What? What are you looking at?"
11. Blow soap bubbles and say to each one: "Good Witch Glenda, oh, Good Witch Glenda, are you in there? It's me, Dorothy … "
12. Buy some cheap shower caps and talk your friends into wearing them the next time you go to a movie.
13. Paint smiley faces on an old pair of shoes and wear them to school.
14. Put a cute little dress on your pooch and take her (or him) for a walk in a crowded park.
15. The next time you're at the zoo, do your best imitations of the animals that are drawing the biggest crowds.
16. Get some friends together and wear lifejackets to the mall. Stop people and say, "Better get ready. We understand it's going to start raining real hard real soon."
17. Blow up a balloon then suddenly let it go. Follow the flying balloon around the room and shout dramatically, "He's dying! He's dying!" When the balloon hits the floor, pronounce it "dead."
18. Hit yourself in the face with a whipped cream pie.
19. Wear socks on your hands. When people ask about it, say matter of factly, "My toes are protesting."
20. Just laugh—it's contagious, ya know.
2. At your next pep rally, gargle (or belch) your school song.
3. The next time a sporting event gets boring, draw a tiny face on your little finger and let Mr. Pinky give a play-by-play description of the game—in a high-pitched voice, of course.
4. During a conversation with your friends, say, "chirpledeekirpledeedum" in the middle of each sentence.
5. The next time you're at the gym, stand in front of the lightest barbell you can find. Stretch and flex and act like the strongest person in the world. Then lean over and act like the weight is impossible to lift. The more you grunt and groan, the better!
6. Get some friends together and stuff as many grapes as possible behind your upper lip. Now try to carry on a conversation.
7. Stop someone on the street, pull out a map of Greece and ask for directions to the Parthenon. (Caution: This won't work if you're in Greece!)
8. The next time you look through a microscope announce to your lab partner: "Hey, look in here. It looks just like my Uncle Stu!"
9. !sdneirf ruoy ot sdrawkcab klaT
10. Wear goofy headbands and when people look at you funny, say loudly, "What? What? What are you looking at?"
11. Blow soap bubbles and say to each one: "Good Witch Glenda, oh, Good Witch Glenda, are you in there? It's me, Dorothy … "
12. Buy some cheap shower caps and talk your friends into wearing them the next time you go to a movie.
13. Paint smiley faces on an old pair of shoes and wear them to school.
14. Put a cute little dress on your pooch and take her (or him) for a walk in a crowded park.
15. The next time you're at the zoo, do your best imitations of the animals that are drawing the biggest crowds.
16. Get some friends together and wear lifejackets to the mall. Stop people and say, "Better get ready. We understand it's going to start raining real hard real soon."
17. Blow up a balloon then suddenly let it go. Follow the flying balloon around the room and shout dramatically, "He's dying! He's dying!" When the balloon hits the floor, pronounce it "dead."
18. Hit yourself in the face with a whipped cream pie.
19. Wear socks on your hands. When people ask about it, say matter of factly, "My toes are protesting."
20. Just laugh—it's contagious, ya know.
Friday, May 2, 2008
One Said To The Other
Ovarie's...
One ovarie says to the other ovarie, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"The other ovarie says, "No, why?" "There's a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."
Dogs...
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my master I get so horney I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my master had just gotten out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking it from the rear!"
The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?"
"Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."
One ovarie says to the other ovarie, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"The other ovarie says, "No, why?" "There's a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."
Dogs...
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my master I get so horney I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my master had just gotten out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking it from the rear!"
The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?"
"Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."
Memos and Letters
Restroom Policy
To: All employeesFrom: ManagementRE: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under information guidelines. Effective Feb. 1, 1995, a Restroom TripPolicy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time.
Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given aRestroom Trip Credit of 20. Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to month.
Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before January 31, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to Management. The voice print recognition will be in operation, but not connected to restrooms until the end of the month. Employees should acquaint themselves with these stations during that period.
If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the month. In addition, any restroom stalls that are occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall still remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the wall in the main office. This is being done to eliminate dilly-dallying in the restrooms. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated.
If you have any questions about the RTP, please ask your supervisor.
Never Gonna Stay In Your Hotella No More
The ManagerY.M.C.A. HotelLONDON
Roma 28 sept. 1981
Dear signore Direttore, Noew I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at jour hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga christian man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down receptione and tella: "I wanta shit" They tella me: "Go to toilet" I say:"No, no I wanta shit in my bed". They say: "You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch". What is sonna-wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast: "I wanta piss". She tella me: "Go to toilet". I say: "No, no I wanta piss on my plate". She then say to me: "You bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch".
This is the second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna.wa.bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a modern tella? I do no undestand, please tella me!
Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanta fock". And she tella me: "Sure, everyone wanta fock". I tella her: "No, no you don't understanda me, I wanta fock on the table". She tella me: "So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!" How comma this christian hotella tella the guest in such bad manner?
So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotel no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me: "Thank you, and piss on You". I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch. I now go back to Italy". Directore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.
SincerelyDicci Elgré
To: All employeesFrom: ManagementRE: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under information guidelines. Effective Feb. 1, 1995, a Restroom TripPolicy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time.
Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given aRestroom Trip Credit of 20. Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to month.
Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before January 31, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to Management. The voice print recognition will be in operation, but not connected to restrooms until the end of the month. Employees should acquaint themselves with these stations during that period.
If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the month. In addition, any restroom stalls that are occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall still remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the wall in the main office. This is being done to eliminate dilly-dallying in the restrooms. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated.
If you have any questions about the RTP, please ask your supervisor.
Never Gonna Stay In Your Hotella No More
The ManagerY.M.C.A. HotelLONDON
Roma 28 sept. 1981
Dear signore Direttore, Noew I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at jour hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga christian man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down receptione and tella: "I wanta shit" They tella me: "Go to toilet" I say:"No, no I wanta shit in my bed". They say: "You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch". What is sonna-wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast: "I wanta piss". She tella me: "Go to toilet". I say: "No, no I wanta piss on my plate". She then say to me: "You bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch".
This is the second person who do not even know me calla me "sonna.wa.bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a modern tella? I do no undestand, please tella me!
Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanta fock". And she tella me: "Sure, everyone wanta fock". I tella her: "No, no you don't understanda me, I wanta fock on the table". She tella me: "So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!" How comma this christian hotella tella the guest in such bad manner?
So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotel no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me: "Thank you, and piss on You". I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch. I now go back to Italy". Directore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.
SincerelyDicci Elgré
If Anybody Knew the Real Me
Feeling groggy from a late night date, I shifted uncomfortably in my chair and then glanced over at the girl next to me. She was the reason I was here in a church service; she and a couple of other girls had invited me. I said yes—even though I knew I'd be out all night with another girl—because I figured I'd eventually end up making out with at least one of the three. After all, that was one of my three main life priorities: 1) talking girls into bed, 2) working out until my muscles ripped; 3) winning State in wrestling during my senior year.
Although I had no interest in God, sitting through the service would be worth it if it meant picking up a girl or two. But I quickly realized these girls weren't interested in going out with me. Still, something about church kept bringing me back. It wasn't the stiff chairs or the sermons—what the pastor said didn't make much sense. But everybody was friendly and different from my other friends. As much as I enjoyed being a cool and popular jock, it felt good to get away from that on Sunday mornings. I just didn't feel like I had to put on a show around Christians.
Then there was Ann. She was in one of my classes at school, but I hardly knew her. One Sunday morning she came up and said hi. The more we talked over the following weeks, the more she impressed me. She didn't treat me like I was some dumb jock, but always seemed interested in my opinions about God and religion. I came to respect Ann, and I never thought about hitting on her.
One day between classes, Ann handed me a Bible and said: "This is my favorite book, Josh. I think you'll like it, too."
As I fumbled self-consciously with the big book, she invited me to a Wednesday night Bible study with some of her friends.
Something inside told me to say, "No way." Something else told me to give it a try. Instead, I mumbled, "What do you guys do there?"
"We eat dinner and read the Bible. It's pretty laid back, but we talk about God a lot."
"I'm not into the whole 'God thing,'" I said indifferently. "But is dinner free?" I figured I wouldn't go if it cost me.
"Yes, it's free," Ann said with a laugh. "So is the fun."
She was right. The food was free and good, and the study turned out to be fun. I couldn't figure out how people could laugh so much while reading the Bible. But they did. So, along with going to church, I also attended the Bible study for the rest of my junior year. Hanging out with Ann and her friends was better than trying to constantly pick up girls. It felt like I had a group of good, genuine friends for the first time ever.
But I had a problem I was afraid to discuss. The more I studied the Bible with my church friends, the more I realized how bad I was. I'd discovered God didn't want people to have pre-marital sex, and I'd sure broken that rule. And I knew God didn't want people to be full of themselves. Guilty again, especially when it came to wrestling. While I was trying to be a better person, my life was still one big mess. If anybody knew the real me, I thought, they wouldn't want me around.
"Ann, you're perfect and so is everyone else at church," I said as I stared downward. "I'm so bad."
I was sitting next to Ann during the noon meal at a Christian camp. A couple of months before summer break, she'd encouraged me to sign up for the weeklong retreat. And I'd been having a great time, but around midweek I couldn't stand it any longer. So I spilled my guts. I figured Ann was about to tell me I didn't have a chance with God.
"Josh, you are guilty of sin," she said softly.
I knew it. I'm so toast.
"But so am I."
"Are you kidding?" I blurted out. "I bet you've never sinned in your life!"
Ann laughed and then said, "You'd be betting wrong. We're all sinners and we've all messed up. That's why we need Jesus. He's the only one who didn't sin and he's the only one who can save us from our sin."
"But you don't know all of the bad stuff I've done. Especially when it comes to girls. I—I've done things I don't even want to talk about, they're so bad."
Ann answered: "What's your point? Jesus still loves you no matter what you've done. He can save you if you believe in him."
Something inside of me broke, and I felt tears burning in my eyes. I didn't cry, but it was the closest I'd come since I was little kid. "Ann," I said with my voice shaking. "I want Jesus to save me."
Several months after becoming a Christian, I stood on a podium with a gold medal hanging around my neck. With God's help and a lot of practice, I'd won the state wrestling championship for my weight class. But something even better happened a few weeks later. I was in my room when my younger brother dropped by. He was a sophomore and, like me, on the wrestling team. Sometimes he'd drop by to get advice on some wrestling move. Not this time.
"Umm," he said nervously. "Do you think I can go to church with you this weekend?"
I felt like cheering. But to keep from scaring him off, I shrugged and said calmly, "Sure, that'd be cool."
That's how Caleb started going to church with me. He eventually made his own personal commitment to Christ. It's not like we'd ever had any big discussions about God. But he'd apparently been listening as I stopped bragging about how great a wrestler I was or how far I got on a date. Without knowing it, I was having a positive influence on my brother.
As he would later tell me, he liked what he saw in my life and wanted what I had. It was kind of like that between Ann and me. The way she lived her life made me want to follow Christ.
As great as it was to win that gold medal, it's nothing compared to living all-out for Jesus. Five years from now my medal will be gathering dust somewhere, but seeing lives change for Christ—that's what will really last. Forever.
After high school, Josh attended Central Michigan University. He graduated in 2006 and then volunteered for a year in Camden, New Jersey, with the organization Mission Year.
Although I had no interest in God, sitting through the service would be worth it if it meant picking up a girl or two. But I quickly realized these girls weren't interested in going out with me. Still, something about church kept bringing me back. It wasn't the stiff chairs or the sermons—what the pastor said didn't make much sense. But everybody was friendly and different from my other friends. As much as I enjoyed being a cool and popular jock, it felt good to get away from that on Sunday mornings. I just didn't feel like I had to put on a show around Christians.
Then there was Ann. She was in one of my classes at school, but I hardly knew her. One Sunday morning she came up and said hi. The more we talked over the following weeks, the more she impressed me. She didn't treat me like I was some dumb jock, but always seemed interested in my opinions about God and religion. I came to respect Ann, and I never thought about hitting on her.
One day between classes, Ann handed me a Bible and said: "This is my favorite book, Josh. I think you'll like it, too."
As I fumbled self-consciously with the big book, she invited me to a Wednesday night Bible study with some of her friends.
Something inside told me to say, "No way." Something else told me to give it a try. Instead, I mumbled, "What do you guys do there?"
"We eat dinner and read the Bible. It's pretty laid back, but we talk about God a lot."
"I'm not into the whole 'God thing,'" I said indifferently. "But is dinner free?" I figured I wouldn't go if it cost me.
"Yes, it's free," Ann said with a laugh. "So is the fun."
She was right. The food was free and good, and the study turned out to be fun. I couldn't figure out how people could laugh so much while reading the Bible. But they did. So, along with going to church, I also attended the Bible study for the rest of my junior year. Hanging out with Ann and her friends was better than trying to constantly pick up girls. It felt like I had a group of good, genuine friends for the first time ever.
But I had a problem I was afraid to discuss. The more I studied the Bible with my church friends, the more I realized how bad I was. I'd discovered God didn't want people to have pre-marital sex, and I'd sure broken that rule. And I knew God didn't want people to be full of themselves. Guilty again, especially when it came to wrestling. While I was trying to be a better person, my life was still one big mess. If anybody knew the real me, I thought, they wouldn't want me around.
"Ann, you're perfect and so is everyone else at church," I said as I stared downward. "I'm so bad."
I was sitting next to Ann during the noon meal at a Christian camp. A couple of months before summer break, she'd encouraged me to sign up for the weeklong retreat. And I'd been having a great time, but around midweek I couldn't stand it any longer. So I spilled my guts. I figured Ann was about to tell me I didn't have a chance with God.
"Josh, you are guilty of sin," she said softly.
I knew it. I'm so toast.
"But so am I."
"Are you kidding?" I blurted out. "I bet you've never sinned in your life!"
Ann laughed and then said, "You'd be betting wrong. We're all sinners and we've all messed up. That's why we need Jesus. He's the only one who didn't sin and he's the only one who can save us from our sin."
"But you don't know all of the bad stuff I've done. Especially when it comes to girls. I—I've done things I don't even want to talk about, they're so bad."
Ann answered: "What's your point? Jesus still loves you no matter what you've done. He can save you if you believe in him."
Something inside of me broke, and I felt tears burning in my eyes. I didn't cry, but it was the closest I'd come since I was little kid. "Ann," I said with my voice shaking. "I want Jesus to save me."
Several months after becoming a Christian, I stood on a podium with a gold medal hanging around my neck. With God's help and a lot of practice, I'd won the state wrestling championship for my weight class. But something even better happened a few weeks later. I was in my room when my younger brother dropped by. He was a sophomore and, like me, on the wrestling team. Sometimes he'd drop by to get advice on some wrestling move. Not this time.
"Umm," he said nervously. "Do you think I can go to church with you this weekend?"
I felt like cheering. But to keep from scaring him off, I shrugged and said calmly, "Sure, that'd be cool."
That's how Caleb started going to church with me. He eventually made his own personal commitment to Christ. It's not like we'd ever had any big discussions about God. But he'd apparently been listening as I stopped bragging about how great a wrestler I was or how far I got on a date. Without knowing it, I was having a positive influence on my brother.
As he would later tell me, he liked what he saw in my life and wanted what I had. It was kind of like that between Ann and me. The way she lived her life made me want to follow Christ.
As great as it was to win that gold medal, it's nothing compared to living all-out for Jesus. Five years from now my medal will be gathering dust somewhere, but seeing lives change for Christ—that's what will really last. Forever.
After high school, Josh attended Central Michigan University. He graduated in 2006 and then volunteered for a year in Camden, New Jersey, with the organization Mission Year.
20 Ways to Make People Laugh!
1. Push a gumball down the sidewalk with your nose.
2. At your next pep rally, gargle (or belch) your school song.
3. The next time a sporting event gets boring, draw a tiny face on your little finger and let Mr. Pinky give a play-by-play description of the game—in a high-pitched voice, of course.
4. During a conversation with your friends, say, "chirpledeekirpledeedum" in the middle of each sentence.
5. The next time you're at the gym, stand in front of the lightest barbell you can find. Stretch and flex and act like the strongest person in the world. Then lean over and act like the weight is impossible to lift. The more you grunt and groan, the better!
6. Get some friends together and stuff as many grapes as possible behind your upper lip. Now try to carry on a conversation.
7. Stop someone on the street, pull out a map of Greece and ask for directions to the Parthenon. (Caution: This won't work if you're in Greece!)
8. The next time you look through a microscope announce to your lab partner: "Hey, look in here. It looks just like my Uncle Stu!"
9. !sdneirf ruoy ot sdrawkcab klaT
10. Wear goofy headbands and when people look at you funny, say loudly, "What? What? What are you looking at?"
11. Blow soap bubbles and say to each one: "Good Witch Glenda, oh, Good Witch Glenda, are you in there? It's me, Dorothy … "
12. Buy some cheap shower caps and talk your friends into wearing them the next time you go to a movie.
13. Paint smiley faces on an old pair of shoes and wear them to school.
14. Put a cute little dress on your pooch and take her (or him) for a walk in a crowded park.
15. The next time you're at the zoo, do your best imitations of the animals that are drawing the biggest crowds.
16. Get some friends together and wear lifejackets to the mall. Stop people and say, "Better get ready. We understand it's going to start raining real hard real soon."
17. Blow up a balloon then suddenly let it go. Follow the flying balloon around the room and shout dramatically, "He's dying! He's dying!" When the balloon hits the floor, pronounce it "dead."
18. Hit yourself in the face with a whipped cream pie.
19. Wear socks on your hands. When people ask about it, say matter of factly, "My toes are protesting."
20. Just laugh—it's contagious, ya know.
2. At your next pep rally, gargle (or belch) your school song.
3. The next time a sporting event gets boring, draw a tiny face on your little finger and let Mr. Pinky give a play-by-play description of the game—in a high-pitched voice, of course.
4. During a conversation with your friends, say, "chirpledeekirpledeedum" in the middle of each sentence.
5. The next time you're at the gym, stand in front of the lightest barbell you can find. Stretch and flex and act like the strongest person in the world. Then lean over and act like the weight is impossible to lift. The more you grunt and groan, the better!
6. Get some friends together and stuff as many grapes as possible behind your upper lip. Now try to carry on a conversation.
7. Stop someone on the street, pull out a map of Greece and ask for directions to the Parthenon. (Caution: This won't work if you're in Greece!)
8. The next time you look through a microscope announce to your lab partner: "Hey, look in here. It looks just like my Uncle Stu!"
9. !sdneirf ruoy ot sdrawkcab klaT
10. Wear goofy headbands and when people look at you funny, say loudly, "What? What? What are you looking at?"
11. Blow soap bubbles and say to each one: "Good Witch Glenda, oh, Good Witch Glenda, are you in there? It's me, Dorothy … "
12. Buy some cheap shower caps and talk your friends into wearing them the next time you go to a movie.
13. Paint smiley faces on an old pair of shoes and wear them to school.
14. Put a cute little dress on your pooch and take her (or him) for a walk in a crowded park.
15. The next time you're at the zoo, do your best imitations of the animals that are drawing the biggest crowds.
16. Get some friends together and wear lifejackets to the mall. Stop people and say, "Better get ready. We understand it's going to start raining real hard real soon."
17. Blow up a balloon then suddenly let it go. Follow the flying balloon around the room and shout dramatically, "He's dying! He's dying!" When the balloon hits the floor, pronounce it "dead."
18. Hit yourself in the face with a whipped cream pie.
19. Wear socks on your hands. When people ask about it, say matter of factly, "My toes are protesting."
20. Just laugh—it's contagious, ya know.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Kids Say The Cutest Things
A little boy and his mother were waiting in line at the supermarket and in front of them was a huge, fat woman. Suddenly the fat lady's pager went off. "Mom, look out! she's backing up!"
I'm Going To Be A Builder When I Grow Up
Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.
He was bugging Mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something."
Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.
Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put theMother fucker back up."
Jimmy's Mother said, "you wait till your Dad comes home." WhenJimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch."
Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job."
Little Tommy's Dead Frog
One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (FX: thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this."
Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a ?0 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, third door on the right" comes the reply as the ?0 vanishes.
Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries."No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another ?0 appears. "Ah, last door on the left..." he is told.
Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string(thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (avec frog) when she calls him back.
"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"
"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the baby sitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes andHE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"
Old Enough To Start Cussing
Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think I'm old enough to start cussing."
Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"
Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."
Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass',Dad says that all the time.
They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?"
He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."
Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one,"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"
Subject of Spelling
In a train carriage one day were two small boys and a middle aged woman reading a book. The two small boys were having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling.
"Its spelt ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B '"
"No its not. It's spelt ' W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'"
The lady leans over and says "Excuse me, but I think you'll find its spelt'W-O-M-B'"
First little boy replies " Nah, I bet you've never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart underwater !"
Trick or Treat
There were these two children of color trying to decide what to get dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest one,Robert, turned to his sister Francine and said, "I know, we'll go as Hansel and Gretel."
Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. They came to a house on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell.
"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison.
The old man at the door peered down at them and said. "And who are you?"
"Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said.
The man shook his head."You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were white." And then he slammed the door on their faces.
Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go asLittle Boy Blue."
So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as earlier.
"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened.
Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might you be." "Why we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said. The man shook his head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep and LittleBoy Blue. They were white." And he slammed the door on their faces.
Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags empty. But Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helpedFrancine out of hers.
When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were two naked black children standing on his porch.
"Well, what do we have here," he asked.
"Two M&Ms," Robert said. "One with nuts and one without."
Clairvoyant Little Boy
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God blessMommy, goodbye Daddy."
His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,"Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully.
He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."
I'm Going To Be A Builder When I Grow Up
Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.
He was bugging Mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something."
Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.
Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put theMother fucker back up."
Jimmy's Mother said, "you wait till your Dad comes home." WhenJimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch."
Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job."
Little Tommy's Dead Frog
One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (FX: thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this."
Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a ?0 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, third door on the right" comes the reply as the ?0 vanishes.
Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries."No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another ?0 appears. "Ah, last door on the left..." he is told.
Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string(thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (avec frog) when she calls him back.
"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"
"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the baby sitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes andHE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"
Old Enough To Start Cussing
Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think I'm old enough to start cussing."
Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"
Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."
Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass',Dad says that all the time.
They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?"
He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."
Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one,"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"
Subject of Spelling
In a train carriage one day were two small boys and a middle aged woman reading a book. The two small boys were having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling.
"Its spelt ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B '"
"No its not. It's spelt ' W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'"
The lady leans over and says "Excuse me, but I think you'll find its spelt'W-O-M-B'"
First little boy replies " Nah, I bet you've never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart underwater !"
Trick or Treat
There were these two children of color trying to decide what to get dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest one,Robert, turned to his sister Francine and said, "I know, we'll go as Hansel and Gretel."
Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. They came to a house on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell.
"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison.
The old man at the door peered down at them and said. "And who are you?"
"Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said.
The man shook his head."You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were white." And then he slammed the door on their faces.
Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go asLittle Boy Blue."
So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as earlier.
"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened.
Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might you be." "Why we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said. The man shook his head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep and LittleBoy Blue. They were white." And he slammed the door on their faces.
Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags empty. But Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helpedFrancine out of hers.
When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were two naked black children standing on his porch.
"Well, what do we have here," he asked.
"Two M&Ms," Robert said. "One with nuts and one without."
Clairvoyant Little Boy
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.
A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God blessMommy, goodbye Daddy."
His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,"Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully.
He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."
Lawyer's Hospital
What's the definition of a waste?A bus load of lawyers falling off a cliff with one spare seat.
What can a duck do that a goose can't and a Lawyer should?Stick his bill up his ass.
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a...
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later,the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COWin the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn,as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
A Blind Bunny and...
A blind bunny rabbit and a blind snake were born into this world. Fate being what it was, the two crossed paths one day in a vegetable garden.
"You know, all my life, I've wondered what I was", said the snake. "I don't know since I can't see anything."
"I've wondered the same thing", said the rabbit. "Maybe together we can figure out who we are."
"Ok", said the snake. So he curled up around the bunny rabbit and began to sniff and prod and stroke the bunny.
"Hmmm, you're small, and soft, and warm and furry", said the snake, "and you have big ears and a bushy tail." The snake thought for a moment. "I know, you must be a rabbit!"
"Oh thank you thank you!" said the bunny, "Now let me help you." So the bunny rabbit started sniffing at the snake, pausing to stroke him with his paws. "Well let's see. You're long and cold and slimy and have a forked tongue. You have scales.... I know, you must be a lawyer!"
What can a duck do that a goose can't and a Lawyer should?Stick his bill up his ass.
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a...
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later,the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COWin the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn,as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
A Blind Bunny and...
A blind bunny rabbit and a blind snake were born into this world. Fate being what it was, the two crossed paths one day in a vegetable garden.
"You know, all my life, I've wondered what I was", said the snake. "I don't know since I can't see anything."
"I've wondered the same thing", said the rabbit. "Maybe together we can figure out who we are."
"Ok", said the snake. So he curled up around the bunny rabbit and began to sniff and prod and stroke the bunny.
"Hmmm, you're small, and soft, and warm and furry", said the snake, "and you have big ears and a bushy tail." The snake thought for a moment. "I know, you must be a rabbit!"
"Oh thank you thank you!" said the bunny, "Now let me help you." So the bunny rabbit started sniffing at the snake, pausing to stroke him with his paws. "Well let's see. You're long and cold and slimy and have a forked tongue. You have scales.... I know, you must be a lawyer!"
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