50/50 Marriage

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he
watched, the gentleman carefuly divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and every thing has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, " not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

Email Mixup

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

The Funeral Service

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the blessed wall!'''

Why should I

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with
at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car.
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde,
"Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000
miles on it."

Nut

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. When the National Anthem began, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" The patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, the doctor yelled, "Down nuts!" so the patients all sat back down in their seats.
During the game, one of the players hit a home run. The doctor yelled, "Cheer nuts!" so the patients all broke out into applause and cheers.
Considering things were going very well, the doctor decided to leave his patients momentarily and get some munchies and a beer.
When the returned to his seat, there was a riot in progress.
"What happened?" he asked a fellow patron sitting next to his group.
The fellow replies, "Well... everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts!"

Telephone

A man I needed to call home, but the only pay phone he could find was in use. So, he stood to the side and waited politely until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.
Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.

Ten minutes later, he was still not talking. Finally, the man tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked if he could use the phone. "I am sorry but I really need to make an important call."

"Hold your horses," responded the man using the pay phone, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

The magician & the parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. He has a different audience each week, so he allowed himself to perform the same act over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of every show, "Look, that's not the same hat!"
"Now he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about it. After all, it was the captain's parrot.

One day the unthinkable happened: The ship had an accident and sank! The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course!

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a single word. This went on for days.

After a week the parrot finally broke the silence and said, "OK, I give up. Where'd you hide the boat?"

My age

Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got
that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you
get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you
my age.

Find a new pilot

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

Wedding color

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said.... "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Good Samaritans

Some guys find a man lying on the sidewalk. They assume that the old guy is drunk, so they decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. They pick him up off the sidewalk, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times.

He tells them where he lives and when they arrive at his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one of the guys says to the woman who answers, "Here's your husband!"

The man's wife says, "Well, where in the world is his wheelchair?"

Conducting A Music Class

A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Another War Wound?

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

"What the hell is that?" he asks.

"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"

Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!

"What the hell is that?"

"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes"

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!

"War wound??"

"Naah, my zipper's stuck"

McDonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!" The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle."And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands."Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"

Satisfying girlfriend

A young man had a new girl friend, whom he wanted to impress, so he invited her to go to a world famous restaurant with him one evening. They dined wonderfully and had numerous drinks; they danced until midnight, and there was a polished musical entertainment. The girl enjoyed the entire evening, and was suitably impressed by everything she saw, including several film stars. Then the waiter brought the bill at the end of the evening, and when the young man saw how much he had to pay, he was so socked by the total that he went as white as a sheet.
The helpful waiter, who was watching his face, thought he might be going to faint, so he quickly poured out a glass of ice-cold water and emptied it over the young man’s head . Then he took the bill back and added to it: “Iced water: 50p”.
Prepared by Tran Le Hoi.

Good advice

Soldiers are trained to jump from areoplanes. They have parachutes that open in the air so that they can fall safely to the ground.
A sergeant was once instructing his soldiers. One of them ask him: "What must I do if the parachute does not open when I jump out?"
"Oh, that's all right. You just bring it back and you'' get another one," said the sergeant.

Liars

A soldier went to his C.O., a colonel, and askd leave to go home because his wife was ill.
"I don't like to refuse, John," said the CO, "but as a matter of fact, I've just had a letter from your wife saying she was allright now and, therefore, leave is not necessary".
The man saluted and turned to go. At the door he stopped, turned and remarked: "Colonel, there are two whopping liars in this regiment, and I'm one of them. I'm not married".

Weather Predictions

An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do.
A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."
The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
"Much snow. Very cold."
Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.
The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "I dunno. Radio broken."

A Love Story

At a cocktail party, the hostess overheard the conversation of a handsome gentleman and his friend.
"Oh, I really love her. I adore her," said the handsome gentleman.
"I would love her too, if she were mine." agreed his friend.
"I love the way she walks, and the way she moves, and her eyes are a beautiful brown color."
"You're very lucky," said his friend.
"And do you know what I like the best?" asked the gentleman. "I love the way she kisses my ear."
"Sir," the hostess said, "I couldn't help listening to your lovely words.
In this day of divorce, I respect a man who loves his wife so much!"
"My wife?!" said the gentleman, very surprised. "I was talking about my champion racehorse!

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

Sender: Ho Xuan Trieu